This article is based on the Twitter works of Mandroid (@Bigbounce01).
1. The Taliban Wit
Mohammad Ashan, a “mid-to-low-level Taliban commander”, was suspected of organising attacks on US and Afghan troops in the east of the country. In 2012, Afghan forces began circulating wanted posters around southeastern Afghanistan, looking for Ashan as he was the suspected mastermind behind IED attacks on US and Afghan troops. They were offering a $100 reward.
Who should happen across one of these posters? Ashan himself. So, he did what any criminal mastermind would do in that situation and… turned himself in for the reward. Yep, you read that right. He honestly seemed to think that handing in his own wanted poster would result in him getting rewarded. So he grabbed the poster, headed for a checkpoint and presented himself with the poster. When asked if it was him, he replied with great enthusiasm, “Yes, yes, that’s me! Can I get my award now?” The police were so stunned by his move that they rung around and did a biometric test just to confirm that it was actually him!
Well anyway, I think this takes the cake when it comes to being criminally stupid.
2. The Daft Psychopath
Dennis Nilsen butchered 15 young men in 1978. Most of his victims were homosexual or homeless men whom he would pick up in bars across London or on the streets. After inviting the victim into his home, Nilsen would further lure him with food and alcohol before killing him through strangulation. Once they were dead, Nilsen dismembered their bodies by dissecting them in his house. At first, he buried their remains in his garden, but once he moved, other tactics were put in place- He boiled the heads of his victims in a large cooking pot to dispose of their brain.
The remainder of the body was cut and stored in plastic bin bags. When the smell of their rotting corpses became stronger, Nilsen stupidly attempted to flush their limbs down the toilet and drains.
This caused a large blockage in the pipes. Nilsen then actually complained to a waste company about the blockage! He asked for it to be resolved because he and his neighbours could not handle the stench.
When the waste company arrived at the property to unblock the drains, they discovered flesh and fragments of bone in the drain cover, some of which seemed to be a human hand. The company alerted the police who then arrested Nilsen as he returned home from work.
He was sentenced to life imprisonment with a minimum recommended sentence of 25 years.
3. The Polisher
What happens when you don’t like the state of hygiene of the apartment you are robbing? You get own and clean it up like a responsible criminal. That is the story of Lukasz Chojnowski.
This happened in Lancashire in 2014 after a couple returned home to find their much tidied up and the burglar in their house, sleeping peacefully. The couple said their house “wasn’t too tidy” when they went away, but Chojnowski – who is originally from Poland but moved to Leeds – had kindly tidied up.
4. The Juice
Back in 1995, McArthur Wheeler, a middle-aged man robbed two Pittsburgh banks in broad daylight. He didn’t wear a mask or any sort of disguise. And he even smiled at surveillance cameras before walking out of each bank.
Armed robber Andrew Hennells was caught after he boasted on Facebook about his plans to raid a supermarket in a post which included a selfie, a picture of a knife, and the words: “Doing. Tesco. Over.”
Police caught him 15 minutes later with the knife and £410 in cash stolen from a Tesco in King’s Lynn, Norfolk. He was jailed for four years.
6. Photo Ops: Preserving the Drip
This got to be the funniest of all.
A man suspected of arson and vandalism sent a selfie to police in Ohio in the US because he found the photo on his arrest warrant to be unflattering. Donald “Chip” Pugh texted police a photo of himself and wrote: “Here is a better photo that one is terrible”. He told a local radio station: “Man, they just did me wrong.
They put a picture out that made me look like I was a Thundercat… or James Brown on the run. I can’t do that.” Lima Police Department responded by saying: “We thank him for being helpful, but now we would appreciate it if he would come to speak to us.”
He was later arrested in Florida.
7. Bagman Scoop
The aptly-named Christopher Badman, from Bridgend in south Wales, used a carrier bag on his head as a disguise when he burgled a hotel in nearby Porthcawl during its annual Elvis Presley convention. Unfortunately for him, he was captured on CCTV taking the bag off his head, and looking towards the camera. He had gone “to some trouble” to disguise his identity, but once of the bag was off “of course, his cover was blown”, said police, who then traced him.
Badman admitted burglary and was ordered to pay £900 costs and a £100 surcharge.
8. Krystian Bala
Krystian was a writer with no ideas on what to write. So, what did he do? He created his own story by murdering Dariusz Janiszewski.